


(The Day After) The Day I Didn't Die

by shingo_the_pest



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Fluff, Gen, PTSD, Pepperoni, Phil has a private life okay SHEILD, Post Avengers (Movie), Science Bros, Survivor Guilt, Tony Stark & Phil Coulson were bros, but he's willing to put up with this shit for reasons, cellist theories, natasha does not have a boyfriend, or so she claims, pepper feels bad, pepper is good at dealing with tony's shit, so are Tony Stark & Bruce Banner, that damn phone call, tony doesn't deal well with death okay, tony doesn't like classical music, tony feels worse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-05
Updated: 2012-08-05
Packaged: 2017-11-11 12:26:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/478536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shingo_the_pest/pseuds/shingo_the_pest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Surviving. Not everyone did. Tony and Pepper cry together, get over a phone call that wasn't answered, check on old friends, spend time with new friends, and try to come to terms with the friends who are gone. And then they go meet Coulson's cellist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(The Day After) The Day I Didn't Die

**Author's Note:**

> After watching the movie, I wanted to see Tony and Pepper's conversation about the missed phone call. Then I wanted to see the conversation where Tony breaks it to Pepper that a certain someone is gone. Then I wanted to meet that damn cellist.

When he wakes up that morning (morning, was it morning? bright) he hurts. He hurts worse than he did when they pulled the suit off him.  
  
There are nurses and doctors around him, but they haven't noticed he's awake yet. His mouth is dry and cottony. His chest- oh! Oh no, don't move, ugggh. Ribs, knees, neck, shoulders, everything hurts. He's pretty sure he can feel his spleen ache.  
  
To be honest, even when he walked away yesterday, he was half expecting to eventually collapse and die from internal bleeding.  
  
But he's alive.  
  
\---  
  
The first thing he says is, raspy: "I want to talk to Pepper."  
  
The second thing he says is: "I want to talk to Pepper."  
  
And still: "Oh thank you, is this a breath mint? I don't need these. I want to talk to Pepper. No no, I really don't need those, I insist. Phone?"  
  
When he finally gets to call Pepper (after a compromise, pills for call) she answers immediately and breathlessly. "Tony?!"  
  
"Hi there, is it sunny where you are?"  
  
"You tried to kill yourself!"  
  
"It's really sterile where I am. Remote secret location and all that. Are you in-"  
  
"You you, you flew a nuke right into that thing! The footage shows Iron Man going up-"  
  
"Yeah, that was my special attack, um, you see-"  
  
"You called me." Her voice was stricken but quieter, "While you were flying up to that black hole with a nuke, you called me."  
  
His breath caught in his throat. "It..." Distract. "It was not a black hole, by the strictest, definition. A wormhole is, whatever, you know. Look I called to," he hesitates. He should just tell her he's alive, and he didn't really expect to be, and he honestly thought he would never get the chance to hear her voice ever again. "...to make sure, the oven. Wasn't on. In DC."  
  
She didn't laugh. (He knew she wouldn't laugh.) She was good at only hearing the things in a conversation that he didn't want her to hear.  
  
She swallowed, twice. "I wouldn't have even got to say... Oh god Tony, I'm sorry. It was, the phone, it was, I don't know where it was, I was watching the TV, we were on the flight, and I saw you. And I was so scared the whole time because there were so many of them, and what if someone I knew was being killed, what if you," she sobbed, "And I didn't even hear the phone, I'm so sorry!"  
  
"It's okay, it's okay," was all he could say, because he couldn't hold her, and he really just wanted to hold her, and be in her arms, and he wanted to cry too, but he wouldn't do it in this SHEILD medical room. He pulled a hand over his face, and closed his eyes, scrunched them tight, because even though they won the battle, it still didn't feel right. "It's alright. Everything is alright now. It's over. We got him."  
  
"I wouldn't have even got to say goodbye Tony! You'd be dead! You were going to die Tony and I didn't even answer the phone!"  
  
"I'm not dead. I'm okay. And you're okay. You're okay right? You're okay, and I'm okay, and that's all that matters right now. That's enough."  
  
\---  
  
Later, the next time he was allowed a phone, they were both a little less frantic. He really wanted to just lie in bed with her and talk, and she must have wanted that too. He just held the phone to his ear, against his pillow, and between brief words they listened to each other breathe.  
  
"You gotta meet him, he's great."  
  
"He sounds really great Tony, but I thought you said he didn't want to be in New York..."  
  
"He'll get used to it, he's got a lid on it."  
  
"Well, if you want him over, then I want him over." She inhaled, exhaled. She'd probably agree with anything right now. "Talking about new friends, Happy doesn't like the new guy," she told him.  
  
"New guy?" He asked, breathing slow and even.  
  
"Yeah. The new agent." She mmmmmed, sleepily. "He won't tell us anything. Happy called him a poser. They're both strutting around, acting macho."  
  
Tony was silent. He hadn't forgotten, he had just wanted to forget.  
  
"I miss Phil, he'd have made sure we were able to talk sooner. But I guess he's got lots of other places to be right now. You're okay and I'm okay, so he's got higher priorities right now then reassuring me."  
  
"...not..." He swallowed. He couldn't say it.  
  
"What?"  
  
"He's, not..." He breathed in, but couldn't breathe out.  
  
"Not...what? Tony, is he okay?" He could hear her sitting up in bed.  
  
His breath rushed out, ragged. "He's not okay."  
  
He could imagine her jaw slack, "Not...he's not okay? Is he hurt?"  
  
His breath was silent, but would have been a sob. "No, he's not okay."  
  
"Tony-"  
  
"He's gone." He said it abruptly, no words that he could possibly add.  
  
She was quiet, but he could hear her breath quicken, deepen, then become ragged.  
  
"We made up for it. We got that asshole, he's not going to hurt anyone again."  
  
She sobbed.  
  
"Don't, don't cry. He wouldn't have wanted you to cry."  
  
Her voice was tear stained. "You're crying too Tony."  
  
He was.  
  
\---  
  
Maybe, maybe Phil wasn't such a dumbass for facing Loki. Choosing to die, or, being willing to die... Fighting _even though_ you knew you were about to die... it was...  
  
He didn't know what to call it. But Tony would do it again.  
  
No regrets.  
  
\---  
  
“You’ve been ignoring me!” Rhodey accused.  
  
“Sorry. You've been busy and I've been busy and I figured the first thing you’d do was try to send me to therapy-“  
  
“For attempting to kill yourself?”  
  
“Mmm yeah. Maybe that.”  
  
“Buddy. I’ve never been prouder.”  
  
\---  
  
It's after coming home and holding each other for hours, days, that Pepper realized, "Oh my god, Natasha! I didn't even ask about Natasha!"  
  
"She's fine. She danced her way through New York like a deadly ballerina. Did her little teddy bear of alien doom dance. She was the one to close the portal, did you know? You'll know when you see the security footage."  
  
"Oh thank god." Pepper's whole body sagged in relief. "But I won't see it, SHEILD took all the footage-" He was so going to handle that, later, "and I just, I can't believe I didn't even think to ask about her until..."  
  
"She's fine. She can hold her own."  
  
"So could Phil. And he's..."  
  
The conversation didn't go any further than that.  
  
\---  
  
Per Pepper's request, Natasha visited. Tony was back home permanently by this point. The place was a mess, but he took it as an opportunity to try that other living room layout he liked.  
  
Pepper ran in heels to Natasha, and gave her a tight bear hug full of grief and relief. Natasha was all perfect stiff smiles and polite distance, but Tony liked to think she really did appreciate Pepper's worry.  
  
"You're okay?" Pepper asked.  
  
"Thank you, I'm fine." Natasha smiled serenely.  
  
"You're all fine?"  
  
"We're all as fine as we can be. You were out of the way?"  
  
Tony scoffed- as if SHEILD hadn't kept track of Pepper's location. The ladies ignored him. Pepper answered, "My flight didn’t see any of it, and I was over Maryland at the time. I knew Tony had been called in, but I had no idea to expect those, things, that flew in, those aliens that were attacking. I mean, I knew about Loki-"  
  
Natasha stiffened.  
  
Pepper flushed, and Tony didn't quite duck. Pepper backtracked, "Well, I didn't really, I mean, I know he's an...alien god?"  
  
Natasha's shoulders sank in disappointment, and _looked_ at Tony. He retaliated with, "Oh come on, you guys know that everything you tell me, I tell her. You guys expect it. I bet Pepper even has the same security clearance that I do-"  
  
"She's a civilian," Natasha monotoned.  
  
"I'm a civilian."  
  
"You're an Avenger."  
  
Pepper was indignant. "I can keep a secret!"  
  
Natasha didn't even glance at her. "Everything you tell her," she pointed at Pepper, "puts her at risk. The more you tell her, the more she would be tortured if she was ever captured."  
  
Pepper stepped back, "I wouldn't talk..."  
  
Tony stepped forward, "I wouldn't let anyone-"  
  
"Neither of you planned for Tony to be kidnapped. It can happen." Natasha glanced between the two of them. "I didn't mean to ruin the evening. I'm sorry. I'll go." She turned to leave, but Pepper reached out.  
  
"No, don't. Stay." Pepper smiled. Natasha didn't smile back, but her shoulders relaxed a bit. "You're concerned for me. Thank you. And I was really worried about you. I'm glad you're safe." Pepper didn't hug the Black Widow again, but she grasped Natasha by the upper arms and squeezed, smiling. "Let's not waste the dinner. Tony tells me you have a boyfriend?"  
  
Natasha flinched, then _looked_ at Tony again. "Can't you keep anything quiet?"  
  
"So you admit that he's your boyfriend?"  
  
"No!"  
  
\---  
  
They both played at being back to normal, but Pepper gave in to his every joking, kidding, ridiculous request.  
  
And she answered the phone no matter where she was.  
  
It didn't feel as good as it should have.  
  
\---  
  
Bruce and Pepper got along great, and Bruce was even willing to side with Tony on a few arguments, occasionally. Not whole heartedly. He probably didn't really, actually agree with Tony most of the time. But he pretended to agree. It was great to have him around, for the sake of bros versus hoes. And having Bruce in the lab? Kinda like being in kindergarten and discovering circuits and conductors all over again, but with another kid to play with this time.  
  
"Don't you want to go to bed?" Pepper asked over the comm.  
  
"No, not really, kinda busy. We're really making good progress here. Right?" Tony looked to Bruce.  
  
The man swiped his arm over his brow, and blinked twice. He hesitated. "Yeah. Yeah, this is falling together well." Banner blinked again, and held his eyes open.  
  
"Sorry Pepper, maybe in a couple hours."  
  
"Tony-"  
  
"Have a good night, sleep tight, bye." And he clicked off the comm (and cut off the “You litt-“ she was aiming at him), already staring at the Mark 28 again, tapping his foot.  
  
Bruce was sitting. The man sighed. "You know, we probably should call it a night-"  
  
"No." Tony threw the plans for thrusters away, hating all the changes he had made, and pulled up the old modified ion thrusters again.  
  
Bruce pulled his palm over his eyes. "Alright. But I think I will head in."  
  
"Fine," Tony snapped, throwing the current specs away, and pulling up the old Hall thruster designs.  
  
Bruce turned and left quietly. But as he passed through the door, he called over his shoulder and said, "You know, you're as scared as she is. If you're not there, you might regret it later."  
  
\---  
  
Tony stared at his phone. All it told him was the time.  
  
\---  
  
When Tony crawled into bed, it wasn't as late, or as early, as the previous days. All this week he’d worked through the evening and into the night, then gone to bed well passed dawn, then was up again last thing in the afternoon to start again. But just a week ago, before his crazy binge of productivity, he had barely left the bed when Pepper was in it too.  
  
Her hand crept over his, where he had been tapping, constantly, on his thigh. Her grip tightened. He rolled over and buried his face in her neck. He whispered, "I'm sorry."  
  
She rested her cheek on his head. "It’s how you deal with things. It's okay."  
  
"But I haven't been there for you. I'm sorry."  
  
Her grip tightened. He returned it.  
  
\---  
  
"Are you sure you can't stay?" Pepper begged.  
  
Bruce smiled, and ducked his head. "I've...really enjoyed this. You've both been so gracious, but I...I should go."  
  
Tony scoffed. "Go where, India? You've been there before; they'll know where to look for you."  
  
"I know. I was thinking of Africa or Russia. Look, it's not that I don't want to stay, it's just that I shouldn't..."  
  
Tony sighed and unfolded his arms. "It's okay buddy. You go do what you gotta do."  
  
\---  
  
Without Bruce, the lab felt...empty.  
  
\---  
  
"I keep expecting a call from him."  
  
Pepper stopped reading. He met her eyes for the first time since she started reading aloud, and he knew that she knew who he was talking about. She put the business analysis down on her lap. She stared at him, silent, shaking her head slightly.  
  
Tony toyed with the toothpick jar from the counter. "I keep expecting him to call. Or to just show up. Even though I know he's dead. It's so fucking stupid. We had an appointment for the 14th, and I’m like mad he missed it-" His mouth was dry. He got up to pace.  
  
Pepper stared at the closed elevator door. Her sigh was heavy, and building to tears again.  
  
Nothing got done that day.  
  
\---  
  
The next day, there was something in Pepper's eyes. Like an idea. A determination.  
  
\---  
  
Held captive through a flight and a limousine ride, with a blindfold on, he asked, "Where are we going?"  
  
"To Paris. We're going to have lunch in Paris."  
  
"You're lying. I can tell when you're lying."  
  
"I'm not-" She laughed, quietly, and tried to cover it up.  
  
"You're giggling, so I know you're lying. We're not going to Paris. Where are we going? Florida? Yellow Stone? Anchorage?"  
  
"We're not going to Anchorage, Tony."  
  
"So it might be Florida or Yellowstone."  
  
She wouldn't let him take the blindfold off until he was walking through a crowd of people. They were sitting down in an auditorium. It wasn't big. It was actually pretty small. Not nice like an orpheum. It smelled of community funds, not high class or lavish.  
  
He tried to pull his phone from his dinner jacket to check GPS. She swatted his hand away. He gave her a pointed look. "Everyone's talking in English. See, I knew we weren't going to Paris."  
  
"You're right, we weren't going to Paris."  
  
"So what is this? My birthday isn't for months. Hey, hey you, give me a booklet, I need to see who’s performing. It's not classical is it?" It was classical. "Pepper..."  
  
"Don't-" She soothed.  
  
"Don't." He whined back.  
  
"Just sit still. We're here to relax and enjoy it." But she was a little tense.  
  
"This isn't even good classical. What is this place, a school? Is this your nephew's recital or something?"  
  
"I don't have a nephew Tony. I have a niece. And no, this is not her recital. Yes, this is a university, but professionals are playing."  
  
Tony muttered under his breath, "Can't be very good if they're playing at universities."  
  
"They might be very good," she scolded.  
  
The lights dimmed, the audience silenced. Four performers came on stage. It was a string quartet. The cellist was a woman.  
  
Tony turned over his stolen pamphlet, heartbeat in his throat, mouth a litte dry. At the bottom it said "Buckley Center Auditorium, University of Portland".  
  
He tried to get up. Pepper held him down with her elbow around his.  
  
"This isn't fair tactics," he whispered to her, as the cellist sat down. Her hair was dark and wavy. Her skirt was long, but her blouse was cut low. Tony felt terrified of her though she didn't even know who he was.  
  
"I wanted to, Tony." Pepper whispered back, her voice pleading. Tony swallowed. He wouldn't look at her, but he kissed Pepper's hand, and gripped her fist tight. She gripped back, and the performance began.  
  
It was chamber music. If his heart hadn't been pounding so hard he would have found it boring. But every deep, soulful note from the cello had him closing his eyes, made him breathe roughly.  
  
It wasn't a long performance. Just under an hour. Not something Pepper would normally consider flying three hours for. But this was special. This was... He didn't know what this was, exactly.  
  
The auditorium was half empty by the time he was sure he wouldn't cry. Pepper was in the same boat. There was wetness around her eyes. They had held hands the entire performance. He finally pulled her into his arms. They rocked each other. He didn't care what anyone thought.  
  
The auditorium was half empty when they separated, and Pepper grabbed her purse, looking to the exit in the back. Tony looked to the empty stage. There was a small crowd in front. "I wanna..."  
  
She looked between him and the performers. "Are you sure?"  
  
"No. But, I should. We should. What if no one told her?"  
  
“Then we shouldn’t Tony-"  
  
He gripped her hand. “Come on.”  
  
They came all the way to Oregon. They weren’t going to stop just half a room away. They walked up together, and stood at the back of the crowd. They waited through the questions and the conversation, keeping each other from running away. As even that small crowd dispersed, the four musicians eyed Tony and Pepper, friendly, and Tony took a step towards the cellist. "Hi there. Loved the performance.  
  
She smiled. "Thank you. Do you like Schubert?” She had an odd accent. Not American, maybe some type of European.  
  
"Sure. Nice and uh...sedate. Love sedate."  
  
The lady nodded, expression polite but confused. Her fellow performers stepped away, taking the chance to escape and store equipment.  
  
"I'm not usually for the old stuff," Tony blurted casually. "At least not the relaxing old stuff. I like the old rock, I'm more of a 70s/80s child myself."  
  
"Me too!" She smiled awkwardly, and Pepper smiled awkwardly too, and the other musicians eyed them like they were intruding. A man who had been sitting patiently in the front seat stood up, and walked over to stand protectively next to the the dark haired cellist. She added, "AC/DC and Motley Crew, I love them. They're great."  
  
"Yeah, and so is, um...Beethoven. And Mozart. And…Chopin." Pepper's head ducked down. Tony hopped from foot to foot. "Yeah. So, this has been great. Nice to see you in person, wish you the best, just wanted to make sure you were alright." He stepped away to make his escape.  
  
"Alright...?" The cellist trailed off, her polite smile slipping from her face. Her old/young boyfriend from the front seat wrapped an arm protectively around her waist and glowered at Tony and Pepper.  
  
In for a penny, in for a pound. "Yeah, alright after...” He searched her face, hoping he wasn’t breaking some secret SHEILD was holding. Was it kinder to keep her in the dark? “…Phil.”  
  
Her eyes dropped down, stunned. Her quartet mates had stopped what they were doing. Her boyfriend stepped forward, angry, but she held him back with a hand.  
  
Her face was grave. "He told me he didn't have many friends."  
  
Tony didn't even know what to say to that. He could feel Pepper's heart breaking. "He did. He was well liked. Trusted. Level headed." Pepper laughed, though it was also a sob. "We were...work colleagues, I guess, and I don't think he would have outright labeled me as a friend, but...I like to think I," Pepper squeezed his hand, "we, were." Tony ducked his head.  
  
The dark haired woman had a sad, grave look on her face. "The men in suits told me he was killed. They said it was during the attack in New York. They were so sorry. They were professional, but I could tell they knew him too, and they were missing him."  
  
Tony rubbed his nose. “Actually, he was kinda their boss."  
  
The cellist looked up, searching. "Really? What did he do? He was so secretive about it."  
  
Pepper spoke up, "Security," as Tony said, "Babysitter." Pepper laughed nervously, and added, "Well, kinda both really," she dug her nails into Tony's hand as a warning.  
  
The cellist laughed and smiled a little, glancing between the two of them. "He'd be good at either of those, I think. I always thought he’d be a wonderful father.” The boyfriend (and what even, how soon was it to get a new boyfriend?) scoffed, and the cellist looked incredibly embarrassed for saying that. But she smiled at them, wider. “Look, you guys must have come a long way. Do you want to...go get dinner? Or some drinks? If you have the time…" She glanced hopefully between Tony and Pepper and her boyfriend.  
  
"It wasn't that far," Pepper assured.  
  
“Drink. Drinks sound good.” Tony was relieved and nervous all together. But this was going well. "And food too. Food, see I agreed to the food, don’t poke me." He poked Pepper back.  
  
The cellist rolled her eyes, and shared a look with her new boyfriend. "There's a Romanian place downtown. Great food, great drinks. My brother loves it. Don't you?" She smiled up at the still glowering, but apparently not boyfriend boyfriend. Her brother shrugged, indifferent to dinner, but stayed close to her the whole night.  
  
\---  
  
“Why do you think he was at so many of her shows?” Pepper asked him, after food and drink and talk about Phil. It had been the happiest sad dinner they'd had in a long while. After separating from Ms. Maximoff and her brother, Pepper and Tony walked through Portland in the dark.  
  
“Maybe her brother is on a terrorist watch list. Friendly guy.”  
  
Pepper hmmmed in agreement. “I’m glad we got to meet her.”  
  
Tony swung her around. “You know, I did offer to take him to see her. He was going to do it. We would have got to meet her anyway, and it would have been a lot...better.”  
  
Pepper rested her head on his shoulder. “I wish it could have been that way.”  
  
“I do too.”  
  
They walked through the city, enjoying the quiet and the lights. Tony didn’t believe in that life after death bullshit, but he felt like Coulson was behind his shoulder, smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> A friend of mine mentioned as we left the movie theater “Tony and Coulson were kinda buddy buddy.” I was inclined to disagree because was Tony so jealous and annoyed at Phil’s intrusion during Tony and Pepper’s date night. 
> 
> But during later viewings I saw what she meant. Like a good friend, Tony really wanted Coulson to pursue this cellist who moved to Portland, was invested himself in what he felt was best for Phil. And the way Tony was devastated at Coulson’s death... For all the annoyance, Tony had grown to consider Phil a friend. And I wanted to see how both Tony and Pepper dealt with Coulson’s sudden, unexpected death.
> 
> There’s been Vision rumors and hopes floating around, so I thought, wouldn’t it be encouraging if Phil’s cellist was a certain red lady with a twin? These cellist theories about Wanda have been thoroughly dashed, but allow me my indulgences.
> 
> Also, [Mark 28](http://ironman.wikia.com/wiki/Mark_28) is able to "withstand extreme radiation, either nuclear or gamma". I figured he probably worked with Bruce on that one.


End file.
